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TOUCHING
AND HUGGING
The simple touch is recognized as good therapy—both physical and
emotional. Rather unintentionally through the years I have formed the
habit of touching the hand of the person with whom I am speaking. I did
this before reading about the importance of touching or before actually
giving much thought to the idea. To me it has been an effective way of
getting the attention of the person to whom lam speaking. With the difficulty
of my hearing, I find I often touch those who are unaware of my handicap
to bring their attention to my eyes. I always apologize for the touch;
however, I have yet to encounter anyone who does not kindly respond and
become eager to communicate on my level. I try to keep in mind that not
everyone is comfortable being touched and that touches are not always
appropriate.
A hug is a special kind of touch and it has special therapeutic value.
The poem accompanying this article, "Hugs," says much about
the comfort of touching.
Two old hymns come to mind which relate to our exchange of the touch,
"The Touch of His Hand on Mine" recounts the comfort His touch
brings us even in our darkest hours. "Leaning on the Everlasting
Arms" not only reminds me that I can find fellowship, joy, blessedness,
and peace in His everlasting arms, but brings memories too. About midweek
of week-long, twice-a-day revival services in the small churches where
I grew up, the congregation would join joyfully in the words and rhythm
of this old hymn based on the promise of Deuteronomy 33:27 that "The
eternal God is our refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms."
Children are usually very open with their fondness for giving and receiving
hugs when they sense the interest and warmth of another person. The little
people in our church seek out certain people who often have candy or gum
for them. I have enjoyed so much the warmth of children of our church
family, though I do not know and am not known by all of them as once.
We are blessed to have many young couples with young children come to
our church, and I regret not being on regular "hugging terms"
with all of the children.
Michael Briscoe, Bill and Jamie Briscoe’s little boy, is one of my
favorites, and Michael knows me. On a recent Sunday morning I handed
him several goodies which I had wrapped and brought especially for him.
I thought he had left me when I felt him hugging my legs. I stooped down
so Michael and I could exchange a really good hug.
Granddaughter Sally Kate and one of her friends whom I had not met went
to Jackson with us for a visit. As the friend, Morgan Clark, daughter
of Billy and Leesa Clark, came up the walk, Sally Kate introduced us,
and Morgan immediately put forth her hand. I thought, "This child
has stolen my heart on our first meeting." I enjoy shaking hands.
Men with men seem more comfortable with this practice, but I am glad women
seem to be developing ease with shaking hands both with other women and
with gentlemen.
I recently passed on to daughters Susan and Beth copies of a small magazine
Jackson Parents & Kids to share the recommendation of "plenty
of back rubs" made in the magazine by Carol Taff and Family. It says:
"Physical contact is one of the most effortless ways of showing love
and acceptance. An arm around the shoulder, a pat on the knee, a tug on
the arm, a quick hug, all help make children comfortable with themselves
and others. The best part about this is that whatever you give, you get
back."
We sometimes read or hear "I’d give my right arm for peace with
______[a certain person]." Often giving that good right arm across
the shoulders is all that is needed to mend a relationship.
A military chaplain wrote of the aftermath of a tragic accident. As he
and others went about seeking to minister to survivors, he noted, "Some
soldiers died instantly. Others lived a short while. Some wanted to pray.
Some wanted to be held."
I can think of no better way to die than being held by someone who loves
me. The night my mother died, much to my regret in later years, I did
not stay in her room. I asked a relative who had just come from her room
what Daddy was doing. She told me Daddy was sitting by Mother’s bed
patting her hand and saying "Sweetheart," his special term
of endearment, over and over.
Those of you who remember Daddy will recall what an affectionate person
he was. In today’s world he would probably find himself involved
in one harassment suit after another. He often hugged me tightly and commented
he could hug better with one arm than many men could with two.
It has been said, "Together we live, alone we die." This is
often true in our excellent medical facilities. I am pleased we now have
a local hospice group so families can choose to have loved ones at home--though
those who cannot cope with their own individual circumstances should not
feel guilty.
I have found delightful a small book entitled The Hug Therapy Book,
by Kathleen Keating (CompCare Publishers, 1983), which is written "with
a cheerful mix of whimsy and seriousness." Among Keating’s reasons
for recommending hugging are: "It feels good; dispels loneliness;
overcomes fears; opens doors to feelings; builds self-esteem ("Wow!
She actually wants to hug me!"); slows down aging; helps curb appetite—we
eat less when we are nourished by hugs—and when our arms are busy
wrapped around others."
A Book of Hugs, by Dave Ross (published by Thomas Y. Crowell, 1980),
is a similar discussion about hugs meant especially for children. It presents
facts and hints about hugs and describes a variety of hugs including bear
hugs, blanket hugs, sandwich hugs, winner/loser hugs, birthday hugs. Special
hints include: "There is no such thing as a bad hug; there are only
good hugs and great hugs." "Never hug tomorrow someone you could
hug today."
I have observed at the funeral home that of those who come to express
their condolences the seemingly more effective simply shake hands or
embrace with warmth appropriate to their relationship. In times of sorrow
the human touch seems the most effective communication. Those who are
mourning often do not remember conversations but do remember the warmth
of feeling arising from the presence of caring friends and family.
Many years ago we had a visiting minister at our church. As I shook hands
with him as I went out the door, he drew his hand back, looked at me,
and said, "Lady, are you a tennis player?" [None of us farmers’
wives knew about tennis!] I told him that I was a Baptist and a politician
and that makes for a pretty firm handshake. I thought later of this brief
exchange and decided perhaps I should practice a more ladylike handshake.
Our physical and emotional well-being requires the human touch. A hug
can, as hug therapist Kathleen Keating says: "make happy days happier;
make impossible days possible." She has good advice: "Hug often.
Hug well."
When words are inadequate, a hug or a touch on the hand often can speak
for us, giving and receiving acceptance and support from each other.
From my personal experience, I highly recommend it!
SINCERELY,
Patsy
HUGS
There’s something in a simple hug
That always warms the heart;
It welcomes us back home
and makes it easier to part.
A hug’s a way to share the joy
And sad times we go through.
Or just a way for friends to say
They like you ‘cause you’re you.
Hugs are meant for anyone
For whom we really care,
From your grandma to your neighbor—
Or a cuddly teddy bear.
A hug is an amazing thing —
It’s just the perfect way
To show the love we’re feeling
But can’t find the words to say.
It’s funny how a little hug
Makes everyone feel good;
In every place and language,
It’s always understood.
And hugs don’t need equipment,
Special batteries or parts —
Just open up your arms
And open up your hearts.
—Jill Wolf
The
Sandwich Hug
The sandwich hug is handy for:
Three good friends.
A couple wishing to comfort someone.
Two parents and a child. The child may be very young, grown tip, or any
place between.
Make your own sandwich.
—from the Hug Therapy Book by Kathleen
Keating
AN ELEPHANT
IN THE ROOM
DEAR ANN LANDERS: Not long ago, you printed a letter from Rose Sahli
in Carmel, California. Rose spoke of how her son had died, and she wished
family members and friends would talk about him more often. That letter
made us think of a poem, "The Elephant in the Room." It appeared
in your column a few years ago.
We have been members of The Compassionate Friends, an organization for grieving
parents, since our son was killed in a freak auto accident eight years ago.
Matt was 17.
This poem makes it clear that not only is it OK to talk about our dead child,
but that the references are appreciated because a day never goes by that
our child is not in our thoughts. We give this poem to family, friends,
and co-workers to let them know how we feel. I hope you will find it worth
sharing again. —South Windsor, Conn.
Dear Conn.: I published the poem in 1993 and received several letters of
appreciation. Incidentally, I was among those who had the mistaken notion
that it was painful for family members to hear references to a loved one
who had died. Many readers called me on it, and I know better now.
The
Elephant in the Room by Terry Kettering
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with "How are you?" and "I’m fine."
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else — except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say "Barbara" again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death, Perhaps we can talk about her life. Can
I say "Barbara" to you and not
have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me.
Alone... In a room...
With an elephant.
—Reprinted from the Commercial Appeal with permission from Bereavement
Magazine, 8133 Telegraph Drive, Colorado Springs, CO 80920
A Book
of Comfort
Earl A. Grollrnan has written twenty books, which total more than a half
million copies in print. He writes regularly for USA Today and is
host of a weekly cable television program, "Matters of Life and Death."
He has received many awards for his dedicated service to the terminally
ill, the bereaved, and the caregivers. His book In Sickness and in Health:
How to Cope When Your Loved One Is Ill can help you help someone close
to you cope with a serious illness. It provides both emotional guidance
and practical suggestions for coping in this time of crisis, showing how
to offer the strength and support your loved one needs and helping them
identify and express their feelings and understand what they are experiencing.
The book is available through the Beacon Press Order Department, 25 Beacon
Street, Boston, MA 02108. The paperback is priced at $12 plus $4.50 for
postage and handling, or you may be able to find a copy at a regular or
Christian bookstore.
REMINDER
Magnolia Health Services and Hospice continues to conduct free education
and support group meetings on the third Tuesday of every month, 6:30 -7:30
p.m., at the Baptist Memorial Hospital North Mississippi in the Magnolia
Auditorium for anyone in the community who has suffered the loss of a family
member, loved one, or friend. More information can be obtained by contacting
the Hospice office at Magnolia Health Services and Hospice (234-8553).
HELP!
One of our most prized possessions is about to be virtually destroyed!
When the post office begins using the already assigned E-911 addresses,
our mailing list will become obsolete. "In spite of considerable
efforts and because of regulations and confidential agreements, we have
not been able to obtain a conversion list" It appears we will have
to depend on each individual or family to notify us of their new address.
We have been regularly requesting address changes—now we are desperate!
We do not want to lose contact with you! Please mail or telephone us with
your new address as soon as you are instructed to begin using it!
And then, with play and labor done,
I love to find at each day’s end
The warming handclasp of a friend.
—Edgar Daniel Kramer
Thank
You, God
During a meeting of our small prayer group, the leader asked for requests,
then added, "But first, let’s share some answers." Several
spoke up sharing good news about the safe birth of a new grandchild, a
son who finally found adios, a congregation that had weathered a crisis.
It was all good news, and everyone seemed happy. Except me.
I kept thinking about something I’d prayed about for nearly a year.
Oh, there had been flickers of hope. An answer often seemed on the threshold,
but stayed out of reach. "Why does God answer everyone else?"
I wondered secretly. "Doesn’t God like me? Maybe I should speak
up, ask my fortunate friends to persuade God to answer my prayer the way
I want it answered." But I kept silent.
Then I realized what I should have known all along. We don’t give
our children—or anyone—everything they ask for. Instead, we
may say "No," "Later," or "I have something better
for you."
"Yes" isn’t the only answer to prayer. If we think God
answers prayer merely when He answers our way, we reduce Him to a Santa
Claus in a giant toy factory, not an all-wise Father.
So I reminded myself that God listens to all His children. He’s
neither deaf nor preoccupied. Faith is believing God hears, then waiting
for Him to answer according to His timetable and His wisdom, not ours.
This is the meaning of Psalm 4:3b, "The Lord will hear me when I
call unto Him."
—Robert J. Hastings
And may the Lord make your love to grow and overflow to each other
and to everyone else, just as our love does toward you.
—I Thessalonians 3:12
IN
MEMORIAM
We dedicate this issue of Seasons to those who
died and whose families we served from May 9, 1996, through August 6,
1996.
Miss Mildred V. Roberts 5/9/96
Mrs. Sylvia Carol Mullich 5/12/96
Mr. Herbert Wade "Hook" Edwards 5/15/96
Mr. James Oliver Wiley 5/21/96
Mrs. Faye Mize Woodward 5/28/96
Mrs. Sue A. Tobias 5/29/96
Mrs. Ruth Wray Horne 6/5/96
Mr. Morris K. Floyd 6/13/96
Mrs. Sibyl Hogan Cole 6/14/96
Mr. Kenneth Bernhardt Davis 6/15/96
Mrs. Iva Pugh Street 6/24/96
Mr. Henry Kyle Hickey 6/25/96
Mrs. Edna Pippin Crittenden 6/25/96
Alexandra Dornan Barnes 7/2/96
Mr. Allen Josias 7/5/96
Mr. William Michael Murphree 7/7/96
Mrs. Sarah Kathleen Hollinger 7/11/96
Mrs. Julia McNeely Paris 7/11/96
Mrs. Faye Warren Wingo 7/15/96
Mr. Sylvester Knighton 7/17/96
Mr. William Niles Lovelady, Sr. 7/18/96
Mrs. Elizabeth Holcombe Fuller 7/21/96
Mr. Walter Russell Wimbish, Jr. 7/25/96
Mr. Spyros Dimitri Kavyas 7/29/96
Mrs. Nellie H. Rogers 7/31/96
Mrs. Roberta Howie Phay 8/1/96
Mr. Curtis Boatright 8/2/96
Mrs. Theresa L. Beeler 8/3/96
Mrs. Helen Lurline King Taylor 8/3/96
Mr. Stanley Bunion Bynum 8/4/96
Mr. Aubrey Dean Hartley 8/6/96
Mr. Le Roy Ray 8/6/96
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